The One About The Big Sad

Hi everyone!!

Happy 2019! Or at least that is how we are all supposed to think right?

This is one of those honest posts that I feel compelled to share.

All over the internet right now, in all of my business groups, media feeds, etc. etc. this is the time to be planning for the new year in a business sense.

In a personal sense tons of friends and family are all on their way to kicking ass while working on their goals/words/resolutions this year.

Then there is well….Me 🤷‍♀️

I have SAD (the big sad as I like to call it).

Seasonal Affective Disorder. I am the photographer who wanes away without light lol. All of my life I have been more susceptible to those around me to the change of the way the light shines starting in November. By January I am officially depressed.

Not the kind of depression where I am morose and sad all the time. My SAD exerts itself in a deep, deep exhaustion that never seems to go away. My sleeping habits are all out of whack. I lose ALL motivation to do ANYTHING. My kids eat quick, easy meals, the housework is done only at a bare minimum, I don’t care to look at or pick up my camera. I get overwhelmed at the thought of planning a year of sessions or marketing to new clients and I just don’t do it. The daunting task of preparing for taxes and realizing that yet another year passes where I have spent much more than I have made weighs heavy on my shoulder. There is the voice in my head that says all the horrible things I can keep away any other time of the year:

“Look at you, lazy ass”
“How much fatter are you going to get before you do something about it?”
“You know you are never going to succeed at this.”
“Awe another failed attempt to do something they do in the big cities.”
“This small town doesn’t care about you. You aren’t important here.”
“Go ahead, you know you are hungry.”
“What’s another hour of sleep? No one cares if you are awake anyway.”
“You are never going to be able to do this.”

Those are the voices of SAD. Today, I got out of bed and I got dressed. Today, I went shopping and got a little work done. Today I answered messages I have been ignoring for days. Today I just existed. Tomorrow may just be the same.

And that will just have to be okay.

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