Self doubt is the thief of joy. I am sure many of you have heard this quote so many times. It is definitely true.
I thought my days of self doubt were over. I was doing so well. I know my worth. I am proud of my work and no longer shy away from critique or compliments. And then…..
I am not good enough. Something is wrong. They are only saying that to be nice. No one is hiring me. I will never make it.
That happened tonight. All at once. Because of something no one even said to me.
I recently got an opportunity that was like a dream for me. I am working with a team of other photographer to write content for a rising photography magazine. I get assignments and I fulfill them.
This evening in our group where we handle all the business stuff, I was responding to the check in question regarding our status on our very first assignment. All of a sudden I see that some people are getting different assignments and they seem to be getting multiple people to interview and OH MY GOD IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Now look, no one of what I said is even an issue. Seriously it is all made up and in my head.
But, my brain said otherwise. I spent an hour wondering if I could write, if I was bad at it. The editor even told me I was a good writer and my thought is, she is just being nice. Then the jealously starts to kick and my mean side says “oh they are just getting favoritism because they can afford to attend a conference and I can’t” which turns into me berating myself because if I had done x, y and z maybe I could have afforded it. You know if I was hella booked with clients. If I lived somewhere that actually had people who want portrait and want to have images that exist elsewhere than on their cell phone and Facebook pages. If I had more money to do more things… If only I could do this and if only my family name was this and if only my dad was this person and if only I was popular like her and etc etc etc.
I wiped a tear away and that is when I said STOP THIS SHIT.
I then sat down to write. Doubt happens just like that. Add in some anxiety and the voice of the person who abused me for 13 years of my adult life and BAM we have a full blown crisis. I could quit, I could walk away. I could just simply stop and let it take over.
Fuck that. I am better than that voice. I am better than those thoughts. In the grand scheme of things the only thing that still matters is MY PHOTOS ARE GOOD!! And I still love taking them.
Don’t let that voice stop you. Stand up to self doubt and keep on going.